My Life Chapter One...Musings on a Broken Heart
I went to the FBI this week. The FBI, via a friend who used to work in law enforcement but is now a nurse. I have never felt so full of fear and grief as I have this week. The lover I have been with for the last ten months was found to have been part of an extortion scheme...sex and videos for a porn site. Meanwhile I continued to spiral downward into raw grief and an anxiety so acute that it was paralyzing. Bills sat unpaid, work suffered, I was nearly not functioning. I felt fear living alone, fear for my daughters, for the first time in my life. If my lover had been investigated, it would have made front-page news in our town. He was a relatively high-ranking executive in a well-known gaming company, had a wife and a daughter. He would stand to lose it all.
I discovered what I thought was his deception the week after we broke up for the last time. On Superbowl Sunday evening, I hacked into his email accounts after tracing several of his aliases and identites on yahoo and msn. I used an old password he had given me the last time we had a big blowout, in October when he snuck into my email and discovered I had been corresponding with a possible lover. A week ago, as I sat on my couch crying and shaking, I read email after email of threats to a husband and his wife, a young blonde coed known to be a true Slut on her campus. My lover was extorting the husband to send in photos and videotape of his wife in various gangbangs etc with college fraternity boys. I read emails where he had set up meetings in various hotels, etc, to videotape her. The emails to both were brutally cruel, graphic and direct. He had set up a website for this young woman, and was soliciting openly for any and all images of this young woman.
I was devastated but not completely surprised. My lover is an intelligent, restless man with shadows behind his eyes from too many secrets...in the past ten months I not only had fallen in love with this man but had become his friend. I knew more about him than any one in his life had. I was his mistress of ten months, but I knew the game I was playing was a high-stakes one. And sadly, my heart was in the kitty.
Candy of the FBI listened to me sympathetically on the phone. "We see this sort of thing all the time...it is fantasy/role-playing on the Net. We would be more likely to investigate this situation if the young man or woman had stepped forward, if there had been a threat of grave bodily harm, or if there was money involved."
"Good luck," she said sympathetically. While I felt great relief at not bringing this man to his knees in shame before his family and friends, I also felt anger and confusion.
Role playing? Fantasy? I did not understand and yet how could I confront him directly when I felt such fear? The man behind the emails was ruthless and cruel and misogynistic. My mind and heart turned numb; I could not get warm, my body felt like it had been hit with a truck. My eyes were swollen from tears of rage...he had had it all, with me...
I discovered what I thought was his deception the week after we broke up for the last time. On Superbowl Sunday evening, I hacked into his email accounts after tracing several of his aliases and identites on yahoo and msn. I used an old password he had given me the last time we had a big blowout, in October when he snuck into my email and discovered I had been corresponding with a possible lover. A week ago, as I sat on my couch crying and shaking, I read email after email of threats to a husband and his wife, a young blonde coed known to be a true Slut on her campus. My lover was extorting the husband to send in photos and videotape of his wife in various gangbangs etc with college fraternity boys. I read emails where he had set up meetings in various hotels, etc, to videotape her. The emails to both were brutally cruel, graphic and direct. He had set up a website for this young woman, and was soliciting openly for any and all images of this young woman.
I was devastated but not completely surprised. My lover is an intelligent, restless man with shadows behind his eyes from too many secrets...in the past ten months I not only had fallen in love with this man but had become his friend. I knew more about him than any one in his life had. I was his mistress of ten months, but I knew the game I was playing was a high-stakes one. And sadly, my heart was in the kitty.
Candy of the FBI listened to me sympathetically on the phone. "We see this sort of thing all the time...it is fantasy/role-playing on the Net. We would be more likely to investigate this situation if the young man or woman had stepped forward, if there had been a threat of grave bodily harm, or if there was money involved."
"Good luck," she said sympathetically. While I felt great relief at not bringing this man to his knees in shame before his family and friends, I also felt anger and confusion.
Role playing? Fantasy? I did not understand and yet how could I confront him directly when I felt such fear? The man behind the emails was ruthless and cruel and misogynistic. My mind and heart turned numb; I could not get warm, my body felt like it had been hit with a truck. My eyes were swollen from tears of rage...he had had it all, with me...
posted by Cat @ 9:27 PM
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